Beyond Bowling and Ping-Pong: Rediscovering Presence in Grief Companionship

Grief has a way of silencing words. For those who sit with the bereaved—whether as counselors, pastors, or simply friends—the question is not what do I say? but rather how can I truly be present?

In his book Making Friends, Em Griffin describes two metaphors for communication: bowling and ping-pong. While these analogies may seem lighthearted, they raise profound questions about how we connect with one another, especially in seasons of loss.

Bowling: One-Way Communication. Griffin’s bowling metaphor imagines communication as a ball hurled down a lane: one person speaks, and the other is struck like pins, left to absorb the impact. This image highlights a danger in grief care—the temptation to give advice, recite clichés, or deliver truths without listening.

In grief counseling, this approach can wound rather than heal. To “bowl over” the grieving is to silence their voice and rob them of dignity. It forgets that each mourner is made in the image of a relational God, called not only to receive but also to share.

Ping-Pong: Dialogue with Limits

Griffin’s second metaphor, ping-pong, captures the give-and-take of dialogue. In grief companionship, this is closer to what we need—mutual responsiveness, presence, and reflection. But even here lies a danger: ping-pong is still a competition. It assumes turn-taking, speed, and the subtle desire to “win.”

For a grieving heart, there is no competition to be won. Silence, tears, and long pauses are not interruptions to the conversation but sacred elements of it. In fact, the best “rallies” in grief support are often those where no words are spoken at all.

A Better Way: Christ-Centered Companionship

The Bible invites us into something deeper than bowling or ping-pong.

• James 1:19 calls us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak.”
• Romans 12:15 reminds us to “mourn with those who mourn.”
• And Romans 8:26 reveals that even the Spirit prays with “wordless groans” when language fails.

Grief companionship is not about fixing, debating, or proving. It is about being with. It is about creating a sacred space where lament can be voiced, silence can be shared, and hope can slowly reawaken.

In my own journey as a chaplain and counselor-in-training, I’ve come to believe that grief care is less about communication as exchange and more about communication as incarnation. To sit with the grieving is to embody Christ’s love—to show up with patience, gentleness, and the courage to remain present in pain without rushing to resolution.

Conclusion: From Talking to Being

Bowling and ping-pong offer helpful reminders, but they fall short of the holy ground of grief. In grief companionship, the true work is not in sending messages but in sharing presence. It is in sitting quietly by the bedside, walking slowly through the cemetery, or holding a hand when words feel too small.

This is the sacred task of grief companions: to rediscover presence as the deepest form of communication. It is to remind the grieving that they are not alone—that Christ is with them, and so are we.

Ze Selassie (Chaplain)
Christian Leaders Alliance
MA Candidate, Christian Counseling
Ordained Minister & Grief Companion

“My destination is a place that requires a new way of being.”
www.LinkedIn.com

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