Listening Through Cultural Lenses: A Pastoral Approach to Grief Companionship

Grief is universal, but it is never experienced in the same way. Every culture, family, and individual carries its own language of sorrow. Some grieve with loud lamentation, others in silence. Some expect communal rituals, while others retreat inward. As grief companions, we are called to see beyond our own filters and meet people where they are—with humility, sensitivity, and love.

In Making Friends, Em Griffin reminds us that communication is never neutral. It is always filtered—through culture, through perception, through experience. Understanding this is vital for grief counseling, because loss magnifies the weight of misunderstanding.

The Filters That Shape Us

• Cultural values matter. A collectivist culture may interpret private grieving as isolation, while an individualistic culture may honor it as strength. Neither is “wrong”—they are simply different expressions of love and loss. As Paul wrote, “I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some” (1 Corinthians 9:22). Pastoral presence requires cultural humility: learning to sit in another’s context without rushing to impose our own.
• Perception is selective. When someone is grieving, words are often heard through the filter of their pain. A simple phrase meant as comfort may be misheard as dismissal. This is why gentle rephrasing, patience, and clarity matter so deeply in grief companionship. Our task is not to be perfectly eloquent, but to be truly understood.
• First impressions last. The law of primacy reminds us that how we begin matters. A grief companion’s first posture should always be grace-filled—attentive eyes, a listening heart, a willingness to be present. Early missteps can close doors; early tenderness can open souls.
• Attention is fragile. The grieving heart can only hold so much at once. Long explanations or theological speeches may overwhelm rather than soothe. Sometimes the most healing words are the fewest: “I’m here. You’re not alone.”

Becoming Listeners of Hearts

Jesus modeled this perfectly. He did not speak to Nicodemus the same way He spoke to the Samaritan woman. He met each person in their context, honoring their humanity, and listening for what their heart needed most.

In grief counseling, we are invited to do the same. To become, as Griffin says, not just speakers of truth but listeners of hearts. This requires more than skill—it requires the Spirit. Only God can cleanse the lenses of our perception so that we can see, hear, and companion others with Christ-like compassion.

A Pastoral Commitment

Grief companionship is not about having the right words; it is about cultivating the right posture. When we humble ourselves to cultural differences, resist the urge to filter everything through our assumptions, and choose to listen deeply, we become instruments of comfort. We embody the God who promises: “Call to me and I will answer you” (Jeremiah 33:3).

Because in the end, grief is not a problem to be solved. It is a story to be honored, a sorrow to be shared, and a life to be companioned with dignity and hope.

Ze Selassie (Chaplain) Christian Leaders Alliance

MA Candidate, Christian Counseling
Ordained Minister & Grief Companion
Vision International University

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My destination is a place that requires a new way of being.

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