Confession, Conflict, and the Healing Journey of Grief

Grief has a way of uncovering more than sorrow, it often exposes conflict. Families under strain may lash out, old wounds resurface, and unspoken expectations turn into painful misunderstandings. For those walking through loss, these moments can feel like a second layer of grief.

Ken Sande, in The Peacemaker, reminds us that conflict is not first about fixing others but about examining ourselves. Jesus said it clearly in Matthew 7:3–5: before noticing the speck in another’s eye, we must first deal with the log in our own. In grief companionship, this truth is vital. Healing rarely begins with persuasion, it begins with humility.

The First Step: Confession

Sande outlines what he calls the “Seven A’s of Confession”:

• Address everyone involved
• Avoid “if” or “but”
• Admit specifically
• Acknowledge the hurt
• Accept the consequences
• Alter your behavior
• Ask for forgiveness

These steps are not simply about reconciliation with others, they are about spiritual reorientation. Confession is not weakness; it is strength. It says, “I choose God’s way over my way.”

Counting the Cost in Grief

Before engaging in conflict, especially in the fragile space of grief, we must ask:

• Are my motives for God’s glory or for personal vindication?
• Is this about biblical principle or personal preference?
• Will this build up or only divide?
• Is my relationship with this person strong enough to bear the weight of confrontation?

Sometimes love covers the offense (Proverbs 19:11). Other times, truth must be spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15). Grief companionship requires the wisdom to discern the difference.

A Mirror for the Soul

James reminds us: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1). Grief doesn’t create those desires, but it often reveals them. Conflict, then, becomes a mirror—showing us what we value, what we fear, and what we cling to.

As companions, our role is not to eliminate all conflict but to help guide it toward confession, humility, and grace. This is not mere behavior management, it is sanctification. It is walking with the grieving as they place their values, hurts, and brokenness at the foot of the cross.

Because in the end, grief companionship is not only about comforting sorrow—it is about guiding people toward healing relationships, restored hearts, and a peace that only Christ can give.

Reflection Question: How might practicing confession and humility change the way families navigate conflict in seasons of grief?

Ze Selassie (Chaplain)
Christian Leaders Alliance
MA Candidate, Christian Counseling
Ordained Minister & Grief Companion