Grief has many voices. Sometimes it weeps silently. Sometimes it trembles with fear. And sometimes it erupts as rage. In correctional ministry, where trauma and loss are ever-present, I witnessed this truth in a profound way.

During a conversation, one of the brothers stood suddenly, clenched his fists, and threatened to kill me. My instinct was immediate; I called for officers, and we departed the others’ presence. Later, I learned that his outburst was not about me at all. It was about grief. He had been denied the chance to attend his mother’s funeral, and I happened to be the only person near enough, safe enough, for his anguish to surface.

When Words Become Weapons

That moment taught me something that courses and textbooks later confirmed: conflict is rarely about the words spoken. It is often about the pain beneath them. Anger is sometimes grief in disguise, a desperate attempt to be heard when silence feels unbearable.

Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker reminds us that the ultimate purpose of conflict is not simply resolution, but glorifying God. Even when grief lashes out as hostility, pastoral care invites us to see beyond the offense to the wounded heart within.

Lessons in Listening and Presence

Through further training in conflict management, I learned what I might do differently:

• Listen early and deeply when agitation first surfaces.
• Validate pain without excusing harmful behavior.
• Recognize grief hidden behind aggression.
• Offer presence before the crisis, not only after.
• Partner with institutions to advocate for compassionate grief accommodations.

Grief companions are not only responders to conflict; we are interpreters of lament. Our call is to see beyond the words to the wound.

The Pastoral Call in Conflict

That brother’s threat was not an attack on me, it was a cry from a heart that had been denied space to grieve. In a strange way, it was a testament to the fact that he trusted me enough to bring his pain into the room.

Isaiah 50:4 says, “The Sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary.” Sometimes sustaining the weary means speaking words of comfort. Other times, it means bearing the weight of words hurled in anger, refusing to take them personally, and offering grace in return.

As grief companions, we are called not to perfection but to presence. Not to fix every conflict, but to hold sacred space where God can transform grief’s rage into grief’s healing.

Reflection Question: How can we, in pastoral care, learn to see through anger to the grief it conceals, and meet it with presence rather than retaliation?

Ze Selassie (Chaplain)
Christian Leaders Alliance
MA Candidate, Christian Counseling
Ordained Minister & Grief Companion

My destination is a place that requires a new way of being.
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