Early Wounds, Lasting Echoes: What Ages 2–3 Teach Us About Grief

Grief has a way of drawing us back to the most vulnerable places of our story. In counseling, I’ve seen how adults facing loss often revisit unresolved shame, fear, or insecurity first planted in childhood. Chapter 5 of Human Development by Joseph Bohac and Stan DeKoven reminded me just how crucial ages two and three are in shaping the way we carry ourselves, and how we carry grief.

The Struggle for Autonomy

At this stage, children are learning independence while still clinging to the safety of caregivers. Erikson describes it as autonomy versus shame and doubt. When parents guide with patience, children develop confidence. When they ridicule or control harshly, children internalize shame. This early balance between freedom and discipline forms the “mirror” we carry into adulthood.

In grief, many adults revert to these same early dynamics. Those who were encouraged often show resilience, while those who were shamed may wrestle with insecurity, self-blame, or a fear of not being enough.

Separation and Grief

John Bowlby’s stages of separation anxiety in toddlers – protest, despair, and detachment, strikingly parallel how adults experience grief. At first we protest (“This can’t be happening”), then we sink into despair (“Life has no meaning without them”), and finally, some withdraw into detachment to survive. Recognizing these patterns helps normalize the grieving process and reminds us that despair does not have to end in detachment. With support, it can lead to renewed connection and hope.

The Weight of Shame

Reflecting personally, I’ve seen how excessive shaming in childhood often lingers, feeding perfectionism or fear of failure in adulthood. When grief comes, these old voices return: “Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I don’t deserve comfort.” This is why pastoral care must break cycles of shame with the voice of truth: “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

The Pastoral Task

As grief companions, our work is not only to comfort but to help individuals rediscover their identity in Christ. We remind them that their worth is not rooted in childhood shame, cultural voices, or the lies of loss. Instead, their worth is anchored in God’s promise: “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

Grief may bend the mirror of identity, but it does not erase the image of God within us. Through gentle presence, affirmation, and Spirit-led care, we can help the grieving see themselves again as God sees them; beloved, seen, and new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).

Reflection Question: How can we, as companions, help those in grief recognize when shame from the past is distorting their present sorrow?

Ze Selassie (Chaplain)
Christian Leaders Alliance
MA Candidate, Christian Counseling
Ordained Minister & Grief Companion

My destination is a place that requires a new way of being.
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