The First Two Years: Trust, Attachment, and the Foundations of Grief Resilience

Grief often reopens the earliest wounds of our lives. When we sit with someone in their sorrow, we are not only entering the space of their present loss but also the echoes of their earliest attachments. The first two years of life, as described in Bohac and DeKoven’s Human Development, are sacred and formative, shaping how we will one day experience loss, trust, and hope.

Trust vs. Mistrust: The First Crisis of Life

Erik Erikson identified the earliest psychosocial challenge as trust versus mistrust. When infants receive consistent care, love, and attention, they learn that the world is safe and people can be trusted. When care is inconsistent, harsh, or absent, mistrust takes root, and later in life, grief may feel unbearable because the foundation of trust is already fragile.

For the grief companion, this truth is vital. Many grieving adults are not only mourning the person they lost but also reliving the mistrust sown in their earliest years. Compassionate presence can help repair this broken mirror, offering a steady reminder of God’s faithfulness: “From my mother’s womb you have been my God” (Psalm 22:10).

Attachment as the Pathway to Resilience

John Bowlby’s attachment theory teaches us that bonding in early life provides emotional stability for later seasons of separation and grief. Infants who form secure attachments are more likely to develop resilience when facing loss, while insecure attachments may lead to deeper struggles with abandonment or despair.

As grief companions, we are not just supporting people in their present loss; we are often addressing the hidden wounds of insecure attachment. Creating safe, nonjudgmental spaces helps the grieving experience a form of secure attachment in the here and now, a reminder that they are not alone.

Temperament and Grief’s Expression

Every child, and later every adult, brings their God-given temperament into grief. Some mourn loudly, others silently. Some cling, others withdraw. Recognizing these differences prevents us from forcing “one-size-fits-all” approaches. Instead, we honor each mourner’s unique design, echoing the psalmist: “You knit me together in my mother’s womb” (Psalm 139:13).

Pastoral Care in the Fragility of Life

The first years of life also remind us of life’s fragility, conditions like SIDS highlight how vulnerable existence is from the very start. For parents who endure such losses, the role of the grief companion is not to explain the unexplainable but to affirm that God, the Father of all comfort, is present in their sorrow (2 Corinthians 1:3–4).

Grief is not a detour from human development, it is part of it. When approached with love, it can deepen empathy, faith, and hope.

A Call to Grief Companionship

For pastoral caregivers, these insights shape our ministry. We are called to walk with families in their earliest years, nurturing trust and attachment, and later, to companion those whose grief reawakens early wounds. Every embrace, every word of encouragement, every act of presence becomes a testimony to God’s care that began before birth and continues into eternity: “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you” (Isaiah 46:4).

Reflection Question: How might the earliest attachments of life shape the way we grieve as adults, and how can we, as companions, reflect God’s faithful presence in those tender places?

Ze Selassie (Chaplain)
Christian Leaders Alliance
MA Candidate, Christian Counseling
Ordained Minister & Grief Companion

My destination is a place that requires a new way of being.
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