The ages of 6–12 can look ordinary from the outside; school days, team sports, spelling tests. But beneath the routine, a child is quietly asking life-shaping questions: Am I capable? Do I belong? Do my efforts matter?

Erik Erikson called this the crisis of industry vs. inferiority: children are building competence through work, play, and friendship. When they’re encouraged, they develop resilience; when they’re shamed or chronically discouraged, they carry a hidden ache; I’m not enough.

In grief counseling, these early scripts reappear. After a loss, adults may not only mourn the present; they may also feel the old sting of not measuring up. The inner child who once needed encouragement is still asking for it; especially when grief makes everyday tasks feel heavy.

Other lenses matter here, too:

• Attachment: Secure bonds in childhood help us weather separation later. In grief, this becomes the capacity to protest, weep, receive care, and eventually reconnect.
• Peers & Belonging: The “middle years” cement our sense of community. In loss, isolation can reawaken old fears of rejection.
• Concrete Thinking: Children (and stressed adults) need tangible rituals; letters, memory boxes, simple prayers, shared meals to hold what feels too big.

As grief companions, our work is not to fix sorrow but to re-story identity:

• Replace the “not enough” narrative with belovedness in Christ.
• Offer specific encouragement (“I see your courage today”) instead of vague praise.
• Create simple, concrete practices for mourning (a weekly check-in, a lit candle, a shared Psalm).
• Hold space for the person who once felt small, so the adult can stand again.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) Presence; steady, nonjudgmental, and practical, is how we embody that promise.

Reflection Question: Where might a childhood script of “I’m not enough” be shaping an adult’s grief, and what one specific word of encouragement could help rewrite it today?

Ze Selassie (Chaplain)
Christian Leaders Alliance
MA Candidate, Christian Counseling
Ordained Minister & Grief Companion

My destination is a place that requires a new way of being.
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